on midlife madness

Another one of those weeks. I started and stopped writing a few times. Nothing I wrote felt right. And after receiving an email from a stranger this morning with a disturbing discovery, I’m really not in the writing mood at all.

I feel sad, angry, especially at myself, and very distrustful of everyone. I deleted ninety-five percent of my photos on FB that I took and in which I appeared and I’ve changed my settings on Flickr. I requested membership on a site I’ll never use only to ask this person to remove my photo, with my last name in the caption, and to report him.

The abusing of trust given to you in the name of love is so beyond wrong, I can’t even begin to form a calm and well thought out response.

The folie à deux we shared does NOT give you the right to show others what you and I exchanged; it certainly does NOT give you the right to post this content as your own. Fuck you.

And if you did not share this photo (maybe photos?) and some stranger grabbed my picture during the hot minute it was posted on my Flickr stream, because that was part of our shared arousal/sickness, well then, fuck me, too.

I am not too worried others will see, perhaps I should. It’s the personal slap in the face that stings. And my complete lack of comprehension as to what posting on the internet really means. These things never go away. They can surface at anytime, and in all likelihood, will.

All because I met a guy and we had a wonderful time (nine years), and my guard was let down, because he was charming, witty, good-looking, used proper grammar, and was fun! And cooked!  He was perfect for me.

I know you’re all shaking your heads and saying “tsk, tsk” but never underestimate the powers of well-turned phrases and peri-menopausal hormones. I thought he was it.  I was intoxicated, hopeful, and daring. Because I felt desired and loved.

I guess I forgot that women with my history don’t get the happily ever after story. Not usually. And when I think I’m finally getting past the hurt, thanks to the online world, I’m back in the middle with a side of embarrassment and self-loathing.

Be careful what you put out there. The internet is the life everlasting. And eternal life is not what it’s cracked up to be. Trust me. 

touche secrète
©Trish Korous | 2011