tell me why i don't like christmas
It’s that time of year once more. I feel no excitement, no joyful anticipation, I only want it to be January.
Work has become a daily stress, but hopefully by the new year, everyone will be in good routines and places and my job will be back to usual and I will not have to be up at 4:30 to be sure everything gets done.
However, I still have to get through the next month. It’s never easy, but with every passing year, I have a bit less energy and a bit less desire to change that.
I’m thinking about not decorating my little flat this year. Why bother when I have to take it all down a month later. This is the first year in many that I will not be making calendars. (Holiday cards aren’t looking too good, either.) Sorry to those that actually enjoy the calendars and/or cards.
I sometimes wonder why I keep buying film and taking photos. What IS the point? For likes on social media? Kind of empty after a while. It’s getting harder for me to actually take my cameras out, so when I do have the energy and motivation, I take too many with me and then become annoyed at all I must carry and balance and come home sooner than I thought I would.
I know I’m feeling cut off from friends and family. But maybe they weren’t really my friends. Maybe only because it was easy. I was easy. And I know my “family” was never my real family. I pretended for some years and they let me. But now? Perhaps that has run its course. When I think back on some holidays with the clear and emotionless gift of time, sometimes they barely let me.
I miss my grandmothers so much. They were my rocks. Emma and Myrle and my stepfather’s mother, Tillie. They always showed unconditional love and patience and thought I was the bee's knees. They made this time of year special. As did Jason, my heart and soul. My mother-in-law did, too. I miss her, but maybe that has run its course, as well.
Is this all just holiday malaise? Seasonal affective disorder? Cyclical clinical depression? All three? A need for a vacation? Or for the never gonna happen retirement?
“Argh,” as Charlie Brown would say.
tell me why i don't like mondays charlie brown
Work has become a daily stress, but hopefully by the new year, everyone will be in good routines and places and my job will be back to usual and I will not have to be up at 4:30 to be sure everything gets done.
However, I still have to get through the next month. It’s never easy, but with every passing year, I have a bit less energy and a bit less desire to change that.
I’m thinking about not decorating my little flat this year. Why bother when I have to take it all down a month later. This is the first year in many that I will not be making calendars. (Holiday cards aren’t looking too good, either.) Sorry to those that actually enjoy the calendars and/or cards.
I sometimes wonder why I keep buying film and taking photos. What IS the point? For likes on social media? Kind of empty after a while. It’s getting harder for me to actually take my cameras out, so when I do have the energy and motivation, I take too many with me and then become annoyed at all I must carry and balance and come home sooner than I thought I would.
I know I’m feeling cut off from friends and family. But maybe they weren’t really my friends. Maybe only because it was easy. I was easy. And I know my “family” was never my real family. I pretended for some years and they let me. But now? Perhaps that has run its course. When I think back on some holidays with the clear and emotionless gift of time, sometimes they barely let me.
I miss my grandmothers so much. They were my rocks. Emma and Myrle and my stepfather’s mother, Tillie. They always showed unconditional love and patience and thought I was the bee's knees. They made this time of year special. As did Jason, my heart and soul. My mother-in-law did, too. I miss her, but maybe that has run its course, as well.
Is this all just holiday malaise? Seasonal affective disorder? Cyclical clinical depression? All three? A need for a vacation? Or for the never gonna happen retirement?
“Argh,” as Charlie Brown would say.
tell me why i don't like mondays charlie brown
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| ma plage © Trish Korous | 2016 |
Hugs to you Trish..
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